“Sometimes I Have to Boss My Heart Around”

“Praise the Lord, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits.”

Psalm 103: 1-2

There are days when I am overwhelmed with stress that I find myself staring into the unknown for a long time. When I’m stressed out, I freeze. Other times, it takes away my appetite. But I do this until I notice myself getting into a pit of despair and disappointment. I do wake myself up and command my heart to get out of the situation. I pride myself for it. It takes awhile, but it’s enough time for me. I have been working on laying my burdens down to God instead of attempting to carry them on my own. When I feel overwhelmed with emotions, I am reminded to take heart, and to praise God. Even when it’s hard to, I command my heart to remember His goodness.

As it is written in 1 Thessalonians 5:18, give thanks in all circumstances. I will remember to breathe and lay it all to Him. I know He will get me out of any difficult situation. It might not be right away, but it will be easier to move forward giving my full trust to Him. Going into despair and pit of disappointment will lead me nowhere but discouraged. God is always good even when human eyes fail to see that.

From Wimp to Warrior

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.”

2 Timothy 1:7

Gideon became confident when he saw God’s power. But when God told him to decrease the number of men for battle, he became fearful. So he asked God for confirmation to keep His promise to save Israel. If I was in Gideon’s shoes, I would have done the same. I have asked God for signs and confirmations for certain doors I’ve been afraid to step into. 

There was once a woman who told me that God has something big planned for me, but something is holding me back. She was right. I have many moments of being a wimp and I still am when given certain tasks. I picture myself as a child who’s being dragged by a parent because either I don’t want to go or I am afraid. I am no warrior. But I do know that God sees His children as warriors. I want to consider myself as a warrior. I look up to warriors in books, movies, and in real life. But we all know that in reality, even warriors fall sometimes. 

I will always be amazed at how much God has confidence in us. He knows His truth give us the strength to make us turn from wimps to warriors. He knows we have weaknesses and yet, He sees us as so much more than conquerors. 

“My Image of God”

“Those who know your name trust you, O Lord, because you have never deserted those who seek your help.”


Psalm 9:10

When I decided to finally accept Jesus Christ as my personal Savior, I had to learn more about who He truly is. While living at the orphanage, one of the American staff once told the story of George Muller to us. As she was sharing, I was in awe that I had goosebumps. Since then, his story became my inspiration and reminder that God is truly a provider. It was not only because the Holy Bible said so, but I have also experienced it for myself. It doesn’t stop there. I have yet to learn the many names He possesses.

At times, I forget He is Emmanuel. There have been many instances I disregard the fact that He is with me whenever I feel alone because I cannot physically see Him. Just as I have never felt my birth parents’ closeness. Sometimes the hardest part of being a Christian for me is not physically seeing my Heavenly Father. At times, I miss Him. How can you miss someone you haven’t physically seen? But I do…just knowing He created me and known me my whole life. I have wished I could see God in person and truly cry in His arms. I know I can feel Him, but sometimes I look around hoping for His physical presence. But that’s the point of having faith; “having assurance about what we do not see”. As long as I know He is there and will never forsake me, that’s enough for me.

“Getting Past Our Past”

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”

Isaiah 43:18-19

The past is the hardest to forget especially if it was traumatic. I try not to dwell in it, but it is so difficult not to when you’ve only known pain. Certain doubts are triggered by certain memories. I don’t know how and why negative feelings can lead to my childhood memories when I clearly know they have no connection. Though I know fears and doubts only have one goal, I still let myself drown in them. I am an expert at self-pity, but I also know when I am doing it. I allow myself to get into this position then I wipe myself off and rise up.  

I know if I let myself stay in it for too long, I will destroy myself. The past can damage my true identity if I let it. The past can blind me from the truth of who I truly am in the eyes of God— if I let it. The failed past relationships I’ve had do not dictate my worth. God can use these doubts to overcome my battles. Just as God used Gideon’s doubts to save Israel:

“Pardon me, my lord,” Gideon replied, “but how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family.” 

Judges 6:15

He will walk with me in my darkest past and come out victorious. I only have to listen to God and who I am to Him. God didn’t create me only to watch me destroy myself. He knows I am weak, but He also knows He is my strength.

“How Did I Get Here”

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.”

Jeremiah 17:7

When God calls me to do something I feel like I won’t be able to do, my automatic answer is “why”. Like a toddler needing reasons for matters that don’t make sense. I need an explanation for everything I don’t have understanding of. Although, I know that if the Lord provides me an answer. Like Jonah, I would flee. He knows I would not do it. He knows it would be too much for me. Yet, one of the reasons I know I would flee is because I am only  surveying my strength and overlooking the power of God.

When God calls me and my confidence is not in Him, the criticisms that were thrown upon me start to overflow. All that I am in the eyes of God disappear. My body slowly feels the heaviness of this burden that I will never be good enough. My head looks down in embarrassment. My heart, oh, but my heart can feel all the painful memories of my childhood. I shatter to pieces as I remember the piercing words that were used to identify me by the man who stated how much he adored me. Then I remember my daughter. My first born that I didn’t have the ability to raise and love. I inflict these sufferings on myself until I cannot fight any longer. When I start to look up to God with teary eyes, I remember all the wonders of what God can do and His promises.

Swope reminded her readers about Gideon who doubted he could do what God called him to do. Gideon was doubtful of himself and God. When God revealed His power to Him, Gideon became confident of himself. Swope empathetically advised to remember I must not focus on what I cannot do, but what God can do. She added that I must figure out what triggered these doubts and be honest to God about them. It will not be easy, but it’s a process I am willing to pursue. 

I was created in His own image. I can do all things because of Him. He promises that I will prosper. I will overcome these uncertainties when I put my confidence in the Lord.