“How Did I Get Here”

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.”

Jeremiah 17:7

When God calls me to do something I feel like I won’t be able to do, my automatic answer is “why”. Like a toddler needing reasons for matters that don’t make sense. I need an explanation for everything I don’t have understanding of. Although, I know that if the Lord provides me an answer. Like Jonah, I would flee. He knows I would not do it. He knows it would be too much for me. Yet, one of the reasons I know I would flee is because I am only  surveying my strength and overlooking the power of God.

When God calls me and my confidence is not in Him, the criticisms that were thrown upon me start to overflow. All that I am in the eyes of God disappear. My body slowly feels the heaviness of this burden that I will never be good enough. My head looks down in embarrassment. My heart, oh, but my heart can feel all the painful memories of my childhood. I shatter to pieces as I remember the piercing words that were used to identify me by the man who stated how much he adored me. Then I remember my daughter. My first born that I didn’t have the ability to raise and love. I inflict these sufferings on myself until I cannot fight any longer. When I start to look up to God with teary eyes, I remember all the wonders of what God can do and His promises.

Swope reminded her readers about Gideon who doubted he could do what God called him to do. Gideon was doubtful of himself and God. When God revealed His power to Him, Gideon became confident of himself. Swope empathetically advised to remember I must not focus on what I cannot do, but what God can do. She added that I must figure out what triggered these doubts and be honest to God about them. It will not be easy, but it’s a process I am willing to pursue. 

I was created in His own image. I can do all things because of Him. He promises that I will prosper. I will overcome these uncertainties when I put my confidence in the Lord. 

“Turning Points”

“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light.” 

1 Peter 2:9

Renee Swope illustrated a perfect example of a shadow of doubt. The shadow of doubt that I create myself because I face the wrong direction. I have choices to make and sometimes, I choose the shadow because I fear its size. Swope stated that shadows are made when the light has been blocked. This light is God’s truth. If I turn towards the light, I would only see God’s truth. But it is not so easy to do. 

When I am overwhelmed, it is so easy to turn towards the shadow of my doubts. The fear that I am not good enough. My insecurities of my physical features and financial situation. The mistakes I’ve made. Who I was before I was adopted. It’s difficult to turn towards God’s truth because when I am covered in lies, I shackle myself with them too. I stare and stare into the shadow creating a pool of my tears hoping I can drown in them too. In my mind, I would believe the whispers that disappearance is the only solution. I would believe the lies that others would love to see me defeated. It is then I turn to the light and remember that God did not die on the cross for me so I can surrender to the darkness. He died for me because He loves me. He died for me because He sees value in me. He died for me because I am His. 

I can choose to face the shadows to tell me how unworthy I am. I can face the shadow to cover me with doubts. Or I can choose to face the light with the shadow behind me. I can face the light and be covered in truth. The truth that I am His special possession. The only valid truth I need to believe and remember.